Monday, January 7, 2013

Will I love my second as much as my first?

This question has plagued my pregnancy with the same annoyance as a  mosquito buzzing in my ear during the summer.  We were a family of three.  Soon to be a family of four.  So far I gave all of my love and attention to one child.  Soon I will have to give it to two.  I was used to meeting one child's needs.  Now I will have to meet the needs of two.  Probably at the same time.  I loved being a family of three.  I loved our family dynamic.  I loved my strong connection with my child.

Will I love my second just as much?

I have the most amazing relationship with my first born daughter.  It took time and effort to build it. It took commitment. It took lots of quality time spent together.  I set a goal before she was even born.  I will do my best to get to know her.  I will do my best to be a great mom. My entire heart belonged to her.  My love for her indescribable, deep, intense, unconditional and beautiful.  She was the best thing that has ever happened to me.  We made an amazing mother/daughter team.  She complemented and challenged me at the same time.  Our relationship was complex.  It was ever changing and fluid.  It was one of a kind.

Will I love my second just as much?

I tried to wrap my mind around it.  It was a challenging concept.  I spent many evenings trying to figure it out.  Sometimes my head was spinning.  Sometimes it made me cry.  The anticipation of change was the difficult part.

Will I love my second just as much?

As weeks of pregnancy passed by so did my fear.  It slowly dissolved. At the depth of my being I discovered a new feeling.  It was fresh, fragile and breath taking.  It slowly sprouted to the surface.  It was sweet, intense and made me feel intoxicated.  It slowly took over my being.  It was very familiar.  It had the same vibrancy.  The same intensity.  Upon closer inspection I noticed my heart did something incredible.  It divided itself in two.  I now had two hearts to love my two daughters.

And I knew I will love my second just as much.

As I caressed my growing belly I connected with her.  My new daughter.  Deep inside in the amniotic ocean.  Gently rocked by my breath and soothed by my heart beat.  Her presence so strong.  So tiny but powerful.  So patiently growing and waiting to be born.  She was not yet born but already was my whole world.

And I knew I will love her just as much.

I never forget the moment when she was born and placed on my chest.  When we first gazed into each other's eyes.  My heart instantly melted.  I was high on love.  It was just as magical, special and wonderful as it was with my first one.

Love is amazing.  It transcends any dilemma.  It flows effortlessly.  It is pure.  It is intoxicating.  It is healing, uplifting, energizing, calming, inspiring and nurturing all at once.  When you add another child into your family your family expends.  Your mind, consciousness and your love expand as well.

Love is always there.  It helps to endure any challenge.  It helps to face another day. It helps you to look within and discover that all you need is an open heart.  Open up to the possibility of love. That's all you have to do to invite it into your life.  It's like an ever flowing river.  There is always enough for everyone. Love.  It's there.  Just open your heart.



                                  32 weeks pregnant with my second daughter Ivy Elizabeth.